Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Attack Monkeys

This is an example of the stupid shit you come up with when traveling every weekend mountain biking.  My best mate Stu and I spent the second half of last year going to mountain bike centers in Scotland (second only to whistler) every weekend.

Anyway, we got to talking about what we would build if we had our own park and what features we would have.  Finlay we got to what wildlife obstacles we would have.  Whistler has it's grizzlies, California it's mountain lions and Florida it's gators.  After much discussion we settled on attack monkeys.

You know the kind, you are about to hit the skinny and they jump on your back and push your helmet over your eyes.  Your just about to cross it up over the 10' gap and they start throwing pine cones at you.  Your just about to rail a berm and they put sticks in your spokes.  You get the picture.

Any way we came to the conclusion that we needed these on my local trail.  As it's a fight club rules trail I shall refer to it in all future posts as WTWK (We Tell We Kill).

We needed a plan to get them over here from the UK.  As Stu pointed out they don't travel well.  The plane would have to make an emergency landing after about half an hour.  As his parents are coming out to see me next week I suggested he subdue them with some spiked bananas and put them in his mams case.  This lead to us wondering what the possible discussion would be like at customs.  Find our best guess below.

Officer: Anything to declare mam?

Margie:  No.  

Officer: What's this?

Margie: Erm a stoned attack monkey!  

Officer:  Is it on business or pleasure?

Margie: It's an attack monkey they always mean business.

Anyway, next time you are on the trail and you get a stick in your spokes beware as it may be an ambush and some attack monkeys may of escaped from WTWK.


  1. The mountain biking in Scotland is rubish. Anyone reading this dont bother going. In fact it's closed so you can't go and enjoy some of the best trails ever. And if you do go then the monkeys will have you !

  2. I suspect Anonymous may be closing down the Whistler trails when he tries them this summer :)